Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
