i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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