Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
