I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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