since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
