Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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