waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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