I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
