just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
