Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
