Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Randomize
