if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
