I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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