drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
