I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
