I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
