I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
