____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
