he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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