You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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