Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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