PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
