Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
