She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
