So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
