i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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