There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
