Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
