Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
