Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
