I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
