I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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