If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
