Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
