WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Every concussion has its silver lining
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
