i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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