she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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