kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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