If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
