Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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