I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
