Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i came on her dog
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
