dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
