Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
