I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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