i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
nutella sex= disaster
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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