So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
