do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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