I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
