So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
