dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
