My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
did i just pee glitter
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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